Disoriented Hope

Puget Sound, Washington

Being along is easy when you have loved ones surrounding you. When you're the only one there and no one you love is around, no family, only transient friends, you get lonely even in a crowded room. There's a sense of total longing for that unconditional love.

My mom is my life. I've taken care of her since I was 15 or 16. She was diagnosed with lupus back in about 2009 and I've been by her side ever since. It's hard to do that from 1,097 miles away. All that's left are random phone calls and text messages. I'm grieving a living person whom I can still talk to, but it's grief nevertheless. Everyday was a potential adventure to some random spot on a map, or a new movie we'd never seen, or a game night, or even just us sitting at home and doing nothing, but every day was she and I. Now, I am alone and so is she.

Every day my heart aches to know how she is and it searches for any way I can make it better for her. Right now, with no job, no money, and no way to do so, I am lost. She was my purpose in life. So many times that I've contemplated how horrible I felt my life was from whatever past horrors I faced, she saved my life without even knowing that she did. I know she can't live without me and I without her. Without caring for my mother, I've lost my purpose. Floundering without purpose is the worst thing for someone who longs for a reason, reason for any and everything.

Emotions are rarely shared in my extremely private family. The only outlet I've found is music and writing. Lately I haven't even wanted to do that. Accidentally, I rediscovered this blog and I somehow unknowingly put on Christian music while writing this now. I am by no means a "church person," but sometimes it just makes sense. There is hope in that music, even though I feel completely and utterly disoriented on my own. It makes me realize that I'm probably not the only person listening to this song right now. I'm not the only one who has no clue what they're doing but is trying to push through until the next day. Life is hard, leaving every family member you have behind to go to a completely foreign place is even harder. I'll push through, even if it is in time.

Don't get me wrong, I miss all of my family. My sister and I fighting or laughing or just joking with each other was normal. My dad and I doing the same as me and my sister, but his advice that he would give me was always so sound. Every holiday going to numerous different houses for each celebration with each family grouping was scheduled perfectly by my parents every year (especially Christmas). I don't have any of that any more and probably never will have that again until I have a family of my own. Living without them, on my own in a completely different state, makes me realize that even though I refer to my family in the past tense, they are still there somewhere. I love and miss them, but that can help drive me through the rest of the day. No longer am I just trying to better myself to avoid being grounded as a kid, but I'm bettering myself to keep my feet on the ground. Over time I have used nearly everything my parents have taught me and I could never thank them enough for it. They helped make me who I am today and, in my own humble opinion, they did a damn good job. I love you guys.